Pluto,

I told you that you would never be able to hack it as a real planet.
To be one of us, it takes a lot more than just having the support of all of the worlds kindergartners.

I mean, look, I'm not saying you had to be like Saturn. He has us all beat with those awesome rings. None of us can even try to replicate that display of awesome. And we know what would happen if one of us were to try. I mean, come on, look at Uranus. He's lucky we still talk to him after all that. But, he really does have the best cosmic dust around so…..

But there are other things we can do besides have rings. I mean, Mars has been fooling everyone by pretending to have life. In fact, I think the jury is still out on that one. Actually having life would be a big victory for all of us - except that attention wh*re Earth. D*ck.

So, start working out again. Bulk up. Think of some fresh ideas, and try to get back on the horse. I told you that just being really far and cold wouldn’t last.

But whatever you do, don’t you dare encroach on my turf.
Being the hottest is my gig, and my mommy never taught me how to share, get me?

Still a planet,
Mercury